re-link

i'm sorry .

i mean , sorry , seriously , yeah ?
i really , really didn't expect that kind of thing to happen , yeah ?
i mean , i don't know how to say .
or rather , i DUN wan to say ,
cos i dun wanna remember that .
but , i dunno , i really dunno .

dilemma ,
daniel taught me .
i checked its meaning , and it doesn't really fit the situation now .
so it should be ,
confusion .

or whatever word has a meaning of ' mixture of feelings ' .

i'm seriously mooded .
no mooded .
for anything .
i hate everything now , including icecream and sweets .
everything .
nothing can make me happy .
i feel nauseous .
i feel sick .
i feel angry .
confused .
sad .
disgusted .
shocked .
crazy .
whatthefuck man .

i feel dirty .

i went home alone .
3/4 of the journey by bus alone .
xinhui said i could call her if i felt uncomfortable .
i did , despite consoling myself that it was nothing .
everytime the bus stops at a particular bus stop ,
i'm afraid i'll see that guy .
i'm scared .

xinhui .
i called you millions of times .
i alighted , and i had to walk up that path myself .
myself .

i felt sick .
i called you .
you didn't pick up .
i gave up .
i gathered all my courage .
not to call my mom down and walk up with me .
i didn't .
i took the lift by myself .
that ride lasted for 50 hours to me , when it was only about 50 seconds .
i was scared .
i wasn't alone .
in the lift .
i was fucking freaked out .
nobody cared , nobody cared man .

i feel dirty man .
super dirty .
it doesn't go away .
why did i look ?
why did i look at him ?
is it my fault ?
it's my fault ?
oh , goddddd .




no words ,
can describe how i feel now .
i go up , then down again .
then up , and down again .
i get reminded of it , awwwww .

i dun wan to go to school tmr .
never again .

i guess i'd have forgotten it by tmr after a night's sleep
[ which i desperately require ]
and i'll be same old me again .
am i making too much of a fuss ?
helena seems alright , but i'm not .
i'm really shocked alright .
i keep asking myself he was doing that .
and i don't know the answer why .
who knows .

and i regretted not calling the cops , alright .
after much consideration , i thought that the sensible things we could have done were
( i ) calling the police .
( ii ) informing adults at th bus stop .
( iii ) kicking him .
the third one might sound stupid .

and i feel sorry for the two girls too .
did they see it or not ?
i'm not really sure , but xinhui and helena concluded they did .
isn't my problem anyway .
it's HIS problemo .
what the hell was he doing ?
i've no idea .
but it freaked me out , really ..

i think i've got a new phobia already .
and i need help .

and i'm glad the other girls weren't there .
good for them .