hard to love

'but it was so easy to slip back to the flat, look at each other and realise that nothing had changed, that she was still her and he was still him and that neither of them had ever stopped loving each other, not really, and there was no one else involved and nobody to be hurt, and that it felt good to hold someone familiar and warm and it felt good to kiss someone you've known for so long when you've been apart for a while and that what happened next wasn't really all that importantcuz it was all about the here and now and making each other feel better, just for a while.'
'just for old times' sake.'
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'true love makes it possible to let someone go to be happy with another.'
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'it gave some comfort to be free temporarily to hate the man out loud whom she still wanted so very much within.'




beginnings are easy. we know how to fall in love, our body tells us what to do.
there's all those songs, arias, poems, movies and books to celebrate the euphoria.
it's endings that are hard. what about time when love no longer casts its spell?
when joy has evaporated and we're filled instead with bile and blame?
the realisation that life hasn't quite turned out the way we thought it would hits us all the time.
prompted by amany things... a lover leaving, stuff... other people's gazebo extensions.
and also, love comes in spurts.
a little, then a lot. it's not a permanent wave of happiness.
permanent waves only happen to hair.
love isn't a staple diet.

the baroque ecstasy, the grotesque compulsion of her conquests are frankly fucking disgusting. you're so fucking bland you could dilute water you know? fuck off.

oh, and this hadn't been love on the sidelines that made compromises.
it'd been a fall into an abyss ou tof which i'd never intended to crawl. so why?



my brain's done so much thinking i need to like fall into a hundred years of sleep. loading into overdrive ah shite.
something like what happened to sleeping beauty.
fuck kfc breakfast sia omg so early.
i need rest, god.







what is wrong with me?