i never thought i'd break down as easily as this. i thought i'd had a hold of myself already. whats with stress? no, i dont know at all what im stressing about? i guess its exams. i thought people who used 'fml' were boombos (new word). well, FM(f-ing)L. so there. (im a boombo)
what im trying to say is, I FEEL SCREWED TQ-V-MUCH. and im not gonna mind my language for once. just one night.
i dont need to actually.
1. i have taken it down. i started it, right. i never denied it in the first place. now i've ended it. thats what i think right? i doubt you'll go on thinking about it. well continue if you must i have nothing to do with it. it started with a blog post; now that its gone, i treat it as a done deal. i apologised, im apologising again: IM SORRY. yeah you know im talking about you. whatever. you have no mood to talk to me, dont bother coz like i told you i never had the energy to anyway. your stuff? have it back. i shouldnt regret but im really regretting about whatever happened. sorta wish i never knew you at all. of course, this is a pretty stupid thing to say. back to you about the thanks for the memories thing. goodbye.
2. (dont bother asking what happened im not gonna recite it like a story)
3. whats up with that man. you think im happy staying back everyday like that ah. think again. at least if i stay back and do revision, its better than being distracted by the PHONE the COMP the BED and the TEEVEE. do you seriously think im lying to yall about studying. well yeah i used to be hardworking then i started to slack but now im trying harder than anything else to pick it all up again. here i am trying to brush up on everything and get a grip on things and you're there pushing me down. oops i needa rephrase; you didn't. you were trying to imply that i was lying about studying when im actually out with friends, yes? so im the kind now, in your eyes. yeah i used to be able to study. yeah im the better one at academics out of the three huh? if i can i would tell this straight to yall: i am not your miracle kid; i dont vomit out good grades that the other two cant give you as much. my grades are slipping. i admit that. the big one has music potential and the small one, well he can pretty much do anything. me? HAH fat chance. im trying to tell myself that hey, psychology sounds like nice uh perhaps i can make a shot for it. then the comment passed when i told yall? "eh, ngee ann 9 points and (some other poly) 12 points. you can do it or not." FYI, NO, I DONT HAVE THE CONFIDENCE THAT I CONFIRM CAN DO IT. BUT YES, I AM TRYING. trying is better than not trying, obvs?
small one gets a good grade suddenly and yall praise him to the skies, get him what he wants. i get a good grade (in maths, possibly) and you guys say yeah, keep it up. i know yall are trying to motivvate him. i know yall get him stuff to do that, praise him, whatever. kay YES wi understand. but maybe yall are a tad too used to me getting better marks when i was younger in primary school, and now that when i drop and manage to climb back up again, you're oblivious to it? thanks for that push, people. i appreciate it.
why did i cry through the remaining half of dinner just cause you said that? i neednt be, i neednt be upset or angry. what exactly am i angry about anyway. yeah well obviously i think you dont see im trying hard again to win back your attention. im not trying to say you dont give me what i want btw, im not trying to say yall dont love me. im thankful for that bbq. you said whats most important is that im happy. but in your eyes, i've slipped from being the girl who used to do schoolwork/revise at night to the girl who's on the net every night when you come home. the girl that never stops texting/using the phone, FYI, I DONT EVEN TOUCH THE HOUSE PHONE ANYMORE. not that im trying to say anything but yeah thats why my phone credit's always running low right. touch the house phone and mom nags. finish the credit on my phone and well yeah dad doesnt nag but i know what you're thinking man.
i feel so stupid. i guess someday i can really become stupid for all i care and you guys can start to take more notice of the big one and the small one la. good grades dont count, the behavior's more important, you used to say. now im putting in effort, a little at a time. i know its a little too late but isnt it obvs? well yeah maybe im not pushing hard enough.
but cant you see? i would never have broken down at dinner if i could care more about it. im past caring, dad. im staying back tomorrow to revise like how im just going to do so. im gonna prove it to you la. im gonna take what i want next year, my literature and my art and my business. case closed. you're still my parents i never said i hated you at all. i wonder if you understand me at all sometimes. but i dont feel like opening up to yall anymore. how can i.
woah piang eh what a long piece of wordy shit. sigh. school, here i come tomorrow.
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