loud crowd

i have no pictures to update as usual cause they're over at www.sunflowerdistrict.blogspot.com.
typical day. tmr will be one soon.
im gonna countdown... in my sleep. yes tmr night is going to be nothing.
im not staying awake just cause i THINK something might happen. you're just not that kind of person so i cant trust myself (my heart) with you.
when next year starts at 00:00 hours tmr im gonna forget you, yes you saw correct im gonna forget you.
my new year resolutions are so gonna include you. really dont try to make me believe you're gonna pop it tmr and it has nothing to do with it being the first day of the month.
i dont even believe it myself how can you all. dont understand what you guys are thinking. seriously no brained
if i were to believe in it myself i'd be the biggest tortoise ever on earth. you're just not one for surprises. yup, guess not.
in concl. its just going to be a normal night tmr. watch the fireworks, mope a little, do my pills and bed.

oh yes, the pills.
im not hooked. its not something you can get hooked on. just that i feel uneasy without it. its not the same to flip over on my side and not feel the dizzy jolt.
at least take it this way, the jolt reminds me im still awake so i gotta fall asleep soon. i take it to feel better. not to sleep.
(i dont think i feel better anyway)
i just think im toxicating (or intoxicating i never knew the difference) myself and making myself die quicker idk. whichever way you take it.
life isnt the same bed of roses anymore, it never was anyway right?
aiyar just that nothing is going right now except for.... nothing. nothing is going right
dont bother with The Talk. its not gonna help and you know it. im sorry that im not listening to you but too bad. im sorry i said too bad but really, its too bad.

enough of self pity because i dont deserve it. on a brighter note i got to try a new brand today thanks to @bombom92 (or something)!
@NeonPinkNails @MLMB7 @NEOHPEISHAN bananas (wink wink) if i feel like commiting suicide i will do it tonight.
ikea with @pnpyholyshit @NICOLLLETTE and @NeonPinkNails and @NICOLLLETE's daddy. he is cute.
to @NEOHPEISHAN's after. kinda sad because of some lame revelations -.-

(i still feel damn fucked up after seeing the blog)



(if you're gonna give up on me, just do. i will disappear from your sight instantaneously. i swear with no crossed fingers. in actual fact sometimes i just cant wait to tear away from you all and die. i really wish i could because my mind is actually tied to the fact the 2010's not gonna be a good year and that im gonna die soon anyway. so why not now? just say the words, you know you want to. you know im worse than who you think is condemned. i am a failure and there is no hope for me and you know it. no more ignoring me and playing w your fav son. just kick me ut of the house and let me die on my own. just send me to the girls home and let me kill myself there. or better still kill me with your own hands. i know talking about death like that is not a good thing but i dunno maybe this time it is for me. no more psychology courses nor vetinary science courses, no more universities or going overseas to study, no more mixed babies nope i just cant see myself at 60 years old.
i dunno.
i just feel like it'll be a better end. i feel... suffocated. cooped. im just not your good daughter anymore.)


honestly ( you wont see this but im in the mood for a wordy post and i really dont think anyone will bother to read this)
you were so ready to say yes when i wanted to pass you what i put down on paper for you.
i took three and felt giddy but still took the effort to write them down cause im not good with words. i bet you could tell because i caught up with you three/four times on december the twenty-eighth yet i couldnt get the fucking words out. even if you knew what it was i was going to say it didnt mean that much if i didnt get the right words out
i couldnt. find my tongue, i mean. i could only blush inwardly and feel like a cow-cow-coward and smell your smell and stall for time while i try to find my tongue. (msn is lagging)
well anyway back to the topic. you agreed so readily and i thought for a minute... maybe things might change.
nah im wrong. again. i always am, dont you see?
and i was so happy, happy wx goes to sleep -.- next morning wake up afternoon go out suddenly in the text you say you're out already.
i got into an accident with a trolley. literally. i did.
and on the bus dope wx calls and you say you're at where again? fyl.
and i emo partially fr the rest of the day and now look where i am.
the letter is with @NPS and you wont bother to drop her a text, i know you wont.
you're just not interested.

i can really, really believe that you werent just playing. but somehow i cant bring myself to think that whatever i hope t happen is gonna happen.
i hope by some miracle the papers get blown into your face and you read it and realise actually how it was just for you.
i didnt even bother reading back after i finished it because my head was hurting so badly. i dont trust myself to read back though.


last line: too bad, but i want you.






i feel so empty.