(your mumble in agreement) that made my heart sink

mm, going out soon. bom square's laptop.
slept quite late. all the english homework done. a little of math's too.
(and texting. sigh. my phone. $$$)(fell asleep, sorry :/ sorry for losing my mood too. :/ don't be upset over that.. shitty person anymore.)

that time of the month again, i mean, finally.
and im prepared for all the.. moodswings. don't provoke.
wait when did i ever get moodswings? not really what okay nvm.

music in my ears but im not paying attention.
find it hard to pay attention to anything now haha what is wrong with me.
wait lah i need to turn it off.

my wet hair is not drying. whyyyy. it is so annoying me. ugh poke-y.


you all just fade off so quickly, i don't even know what to say to you now, even when im alone with you and there's so many opportunities for me to actually talk to you.. why can't i do it anymore? we used to be so close, able to talk about anything under the sun then now? it's like the sun disappeared or something. i never wanted to drift with you. maybe it was that problem.. anyhow, i don't know how to bring it back now. mm, you used to understand me well too, perhaps it's the lack of time together or something, or i don't know what. you have your friends now ah that i understand. how come you never seem to get angry at your friends like how you bark at me, give attitude? why are there two different faces for two different groups of people? wah so biased? i find it quizzical oh maybe im just not as good as them, as cool as them, as interesting and whatever you'd like to name it? ugh i never wanted to do this but then everything is bursting out urgh how do you expect me to keep it in? and then you, i know you probably hate whatever topics i can only talk to you about now, perhaps it hurts you too but nowadays that's all i can talk about what. i know it's irritating of me but perhaps this is like some difficult period of time when i need help but maybe everyone's tired of me feeling upset feeling alone feeling unwanted feeling emo and stoning when we're out together out and being such a wet blanket etc but i can' help it what, i seriously can't. how to be happy anymore? i can't possibly google it what. then all the other advices they all give, well some are realistic some sensible some out of the world but ultimately nothing heals. maybe im just too obsessed that it's taking over my life but ugh i can't help it either! no one can tell me what to do now, anymore. so don't bother. (btw this isn't emo okay don't say it is.) but listening to myself, ah i prolly know myself well. to carry on with all the disillusions and dreams and that kind of thinking, what happens when i fall..? touch wood. people say he's ten times better, really (that's you BTFF! :)) i regret but aren't things always too late to be regretted? uh-uh, not this time. im going to make up for lost time. it prolly would all end up in nothing in the end but ah me. goddamn it im so going to do it till the end, im not taking 'impossible' for an answer. oh, honey, you may think im selfish and self-centred - ugh isn't that the same meaning? - but i really need you.. and some people can understand that (it's you again!), you said i didn't understand you well enough so why not give me another chance? yes i know you say that you never give anyone another chance but why not make an exception this time? let me try again, because i know just what to do and what not already. looking through our past texts make me cry already. i miss all the sweet things you used to call me and all the sweet things you used to say. things don't have to end so early. my heart won't heal without you here. till i get you back im gonna try. till i get you back im gonna cry.. in the meantime i survive by thinking of you. ugh what is with all the words now. like some massive word spamming competition. anyhow, i only wanted to express my feelings.. but somehow it's not all out yet. so maybe no one should take notice of this.. fat thing. anyone who reads till here is an idiot. well maybe you did just cuz you care, thanks but you're an idiot too. thanks idiot. (if you'd really read till here, do tell me. some extra comfort. heh. thanks.)


that's not a moodswing symptom. that's just.. once a month thing.
that's not emo either. emo is my chemical romance (sorry, fans.) emo is people with fringe over eyes so they see strips of black everywhere and emo is gothic people. i think. i mean. blackness. O.O i should stop. i need to go, i thought i said i was going out soon at the top? O.O bye. may be back later.